xoxo deeds: 2019

a retrospective on melodrama.

By diana - 7:40 PM

"I know I have a fickle heart,

& a bitterness

& a wandering eye

& a heaviness in my head."

-don't you remember; adele

historically speaking, today tends to be a day of reflection. today specifically I found myself delving into the depths of my tumblr, uncovering my love of the les mis movie circa 2012, my obsession with hunger games in 2013, and an unwavering distaste for taylor swift circa forever.

one of my findings that particularly puzzled me, was a series of posts about an unrequited love back in '13. it took all of my rather impressive memory, and using a life line to determine I have absolutely no idea who I was in love with. absolutely none. but, whoever this mystery man was, I loved him a lot.

it struck me as I read 22 year old diana's thoughts and feelings and drama that things in life are so fleeting. this is not a new concept, of course. this idea has been flouted on mugs, t shirts, gravestones, and graduation ceremonies since the concept of time began. old people tend to warn the younger ones that life goes by in an instant, and while that might be true, what strikes me is how much happens in that time. life happens and you look back and six years have gone by, and with it an entire race. our bodies are completely different every seven years and it stands to reason that our minds are, too.

a friend recently went through a really bad breakup - the first one he'd ever endured. he lost his appetite, lost weight, and lost his self of sense. as we sat at a small cafe and ate pancakes together on a saturday morning as spring was beginning to bloom, he told me, "at least I can say I've done it now. I got to have this human experience."

I may never remember who I felt such intense feelings for, but a part of me is glad I had them at all. it's not odd for me to be intense or - dare i say - dramatic, but if life is going to happen this quickly, i certainly am glad I feel things deeply. i look back on a younger me and laugh at how important everything was, while some of it has been taken from me by the process of time. i wonder how many battle scars i will still have of my life now. my very existence, in little lives, on the east coast, and in general is so fleeting and so temporary, and I'm not gonna waste it on being melancholy.

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life

coercing the passenger

By diana - 8:21 AM

If we did all the things we are capable of,
we would astound ourselves.
-Thomas Edison

As a child, willpower was not something I seemed to struggle with. Unfortunately as I've grown, I've really struggled with getting myself to complete simple tasks. I told myself every day for a week that I would go to the gym after work (a very common issue, I know), but even if I was sitting in the gym parking lot, I could not fire the right pistons in my brain to get out of the car and walk inside. I would talk myself out of it and end up driving home. My brain came up with a litany of excuses: feeling poorly, a pending school assignment, double booking myself, etc.

I thought for a long time that it was a lingering affect of depression. I thought maybe I had some form of ADHD, or it was linked to my anxiety. There have been many, many nights where I'm sitting on the couch and somehow can't physically get myself to stand up and take out the trash, or to shut the water off in the shower, or to make a healthy meal.

This article details what is happening in my brain. Apparently this is a common occurrence for people that have a Growth Mindset - people that want to improve themselves. The article explains our brains using a driver and passenger analogy. Basically, the driver has a goal and the passenger is too set on primitive ideology to allow the driver to succeed. The passenger is the one in the back of our brains saying "Don't get out of the car. It's safer at home". The passenger is so afraid of the unknown - whether it be a new gym, what a new body would feel and act like, or the success of writing a book - that it's trying to keep us where we are. It understands where we are. It's comfortable with it. But we have to push back.

The article goes on to explain a workaround: make your new task a scheduled event: "Everyday after work I go to the gym". Repeat that five times over and you'll have activated a part of your brain that will override the passenger, because it will think this task is an old habit. You've tricked your brain into thinking that this new experience is, in fact, a safe experience.

It's hard, though. This worked for me when I wanted to start waking up at 5:30AM every morning. For two weeks I was up and out of bed by 5:35. Unfortunately weekends came and went and I was extra tired one morning and the passenger is always there to try to hold you back. We can't listen to him. We have to push through. We are better, stronger, and more capable than we give ourselves credit for.

This month I am challenging myself to ignore the passenger, not just with simple tasks, but with negativity. I feel cheesy and weird but I am trying my damndest to be a more positive person. Negativity brings us down in so many ways that are hard to detect at first, but I'm no longer willing to compromise my physical or mental health for comfort. Spring is on it's way and soon these long winter nights will be behind us. It's time to bloom.